Dear Diary: Toupee or Not Toupee

Dear Diary,

I have a hairpiece problem. Not my hairpiece. I'm still sporting a full head of hair, but a few years ago, as I my days as a person in his 20s dwindled, I began mentally preparing to go bald. I have a widow's peak hairline, which in middle school got me teased for going bald. But I do kind of look like my hair is receding. It isn't (I swear!), but from time to time I will remind myself that it will. I will be bald. There are old wive's tales that indicate I won't go bald because my mother's father wasn't bald. My dad still has a good head of hair, but his dad was bald for all the parts of my life that I can remember. The point is, that even though the future is a mystery I am bracing for the probable, because I don't want to be mentally unprepared to face the insecurity that physical aging can bring. I'm learning to accept my fate now so I don't freak out and buy a bad rug.

The Donald knows if you're gonna grow old you gotta be tough.

My problem is other people's bad rugs. I don't know the protocol. Do I have to pretend like I'm fooled? What is my responsibility in maintaining the follicle ruse someone else has chosen to perpetrate? Obviously staring is rude and unnecessary. But if it's crooked or out of place do I have to say "Your hair is messed up?" Can I refer to as a hairpiece? I don't see why I should have to play dumb. If I'm able to determine that their hair isn't lying in the manner they probably would not like for it to be, why wouldn't I also be able to discern that it is not growing out of their head.

James Traficant. More like TrafiCan't even!

There was a man I used to see at large, extended-family functions (We were related, or so my mother claimed, I just don't know how) and, in addition to constantly arranging different configurations of family photos, he had an unconvincing, frequently askew wig. (Is there a difference between a wig and a hairpiece?) I always wondered how we, as his family, the people who are supposed to show him love and support even if it's in the form of hard truths, weren't telling him to straighten his 'do. Or better yet take it off and embrace his hairless head. If I'd been wearing a crooked hat or my fly was down someone would have told me. If I'd been wearing one of those radical faux-tattoo arm stockings no one would pretend that I had real tattoos. They would say "what made you decide to wear that?" because I'm from a family of non-confrontational Midwesterners who are too reserved to bust my balls for such a strange fashion choice.

Will he or won't he accept his smooth dome?


I know that everyone should wear what makes them feel comfortable and what allows them to be themselves. But I'm not playing dumb anymore. Wear your wig. If me referring to it as anything other than the luxurious locks nature bestowed upon you is disheartening then you need to work on why losing your hair upsets you and deal with that, or get a better hairpiece. I'm not going to put on a stunned face and tell you it looks so natural. It doesn't. You're fake hair looks weird and I saw it a mile away.

You're clearly trying to fool me with that mess, and it isn't working. Do you know who we pretend to be fooled by? Children. And I don't think I should treat you like a child.

That's cool, right?

Coach Bill Self doing it right. Can't even tell.