Saturday, July 11, 2015

Dear Diary: What Hath I Wrought: My Claim To Fame

Dear Diary,

I've done it! I've finally done it! I've discovered what my lasting contribution to society will be. What Kathy Lee will say about me when she announces my death, right before fumbling through a Waldorf Salad recipe with Jamie Oliver.

I have come up with a new punctuation mark!

Mover over, Interrobang, and make way for the Confidence Modulator(tm).

This handy dandy symbol indicates the sharp rise in pitch that comes when a speaker lacks confidence in the veracity of a statement he or she is making and wishes to indicate as such. The Confidence Modulator is a combination of a question mark (?), representing the questioning nature of the statement, and a caret (^), indicating change in vocal pitch. It can be type on a standard keyboard as ^?. However, the proper symbol is a question mark with a caret replacing the period under the shepherd's cane, as indicated in the picture on the left. I'm no computer graphic font-a-magician, so the digital representation is still pending. However, I think you'll find that the Confidence Modulator is quite useful.

Examples of Use

Jeffery: What time does the motion picture viewing commence?
Rutherford: Seven^?

Congress: And you are confident that Saddam Hussein poses an imminent threat to the United States of America?
Donald R: Yes^?

Miriam: You've been tested, right?
Claudette: Of course.
Miriam: When?
Claudette: Two months ago^?

As you can see, the Confidence Modulator fills a need that has existed for decades, maybe even centuries^?

So, that's my new life's legacy, Diary. Now we just need to spread the word. Or the mark, as it were. People need to know about this. Especially the part where I am the one who invented it. Then I can monetize that notoriety. Big changes are coming for us, Diary.

Yours truly,



Coming this fall: The Ellipsis of Unfortunate Realization. Perfect for when you wish to express that you have realized, mid-sentence, that what you are saying is either wrong, false, stupid, or going to blow up in your face. Represented by two periods, a colon and an open parentheses   . . : ( the Ellipsis of Unfortunate Realization perfectly indicates a tone that the speaker has just realized that he or she has had a momentary lapse into idiocy.

Example of Use
Judith: Where is Fido?
Benjamin: I let him out in the backyard.
Judith: Oh, I didn't realize you already fixed the gate.
Benjamin: No, the hardware store was closed, ..:( so I haven't yet.

FALL 2015!