It's late October, and there are only a handful of baseball games left before the boys of summer pack it in for the winter. The World Series starts tonight, and it looks to be an exciting conclusion to the season, like a phoenix's final burst of glory before it settles into the ashes. However, not everything casts off it's mortal coil in such spectacular fashion. Sometimes a limp death rattle is all that can be mustered as a soul slips away from this realm. Which brings us to the third installment in The Sandlot Trilogy, The Sandlot Heading Home.
Like Jason Voorhees, you may have thought that the idea of Sandlot sequels died after the previous movie. You would be wrong. A mere two years after The Sandlot 2comes episode three. There is sense in the quick turnaround. The twelve years between the original and part two did not result in a quality product, so why not cut that production time by one-sixth and churn out another one? Unfortunately(?), David Mickey Evans, writer and director of the first two Sandlots, was not on board for that plan and does not return. However, Chauncey Leopardi, AKA Squints, does. So, that's nice.
The plot for Heading Home is . Luke Perry (yes, Luke Perry) plays Tommy "Santa" Santorelli, a professional baseball player who has forgotten what is truly important in baseball and life: teamwork and love of the game. He even gave himself the nickname Santa, because "watching him play is a gift." Another piece of evidence that Santorelli doesn't play The Right Way is that he moves from team to team chasing large contracts, something that is common in all professional sports. The opening scene is set up as a made for TV career retrospective on Santorelli, which describes him as one of the greatest hitters of all time and shoe-in for the Hall of Fame, but only if his ego doesn't get in the way. Right away, the movie shows a disregard for how baseball actually works. Yes, the baseball writers are the people who vote on Hall of Fame inductees, and they have been known to hold grudges, but being a dick would not keep an all-time great hitter out of the Hall of Fame. Also, Perry's swing during action shots looks like garbage.
Santorelli, playing for the Dodgers, gets knocked out in a combo batting practice-fireworks freak accident. When he wakes up, he's been transported back in time to when he was a kid and is on his back in the middle of the sandlot. All his old buddies are there: Two Ton, D.P., Timber, Wings, the infield duo with the probably racist nickname of Wok and Roll, and Q, which is short for I.Q. Why you would need to shorten I.Q. is never explained. Also, returning are Benny the Jet, who is still in the prime of his career, and Santorelli's dead mom, before she is diagnosed with cancer (Pathos!). Despite his former coach being younger, his mother not being dead, and the appearance of his childhood friends, Santorelli can't understand why every is treating him like a kid and doesn't understand his references to things that don't exist yet. (What's Hip Hop? eBay?) It takes half of the movie for him to stop voice shock that those around him don't share his knowledge of the future. It's easy to play armchair quarterback, but you can bet your bottom dollar that when I experience head-trauma induced time travel, I'm going to be quick on the uptake.
We find out that the Sandlot is in jeopardy, because the city wants to sell it, and the dad of one of the snobby, well-funded little leaguers wants to buy it. It seems that the willingness of the local government to tolerate an unkempt, ramshackle baseball field is directly linked to the quality of baseball being played on said field. This is where young Santorelli comes in. Under the tutelage of Squints and Benny, the sandlot kids have to play against the fancy little leaguers for the rights to the Sandlot. This allows Santorelli to relive his life, changing his outlook on what's important and correcting things he regrets. But not before being tempted by the dark side, only to switch back to the good guys at the last second. Santorelli leads the team to victory, and, via the butterfly effect, makes his adult life better. Heading Home sports a surprisingly good soundtrack, mostly on the back of The Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz" and Mungo Jerry's "In the Summertime." Movies of dubious quality with well known songs baffle me, mostly because I have no concept of the monetary cost to acquire the rights to songs. Any song that I know or enjoy, in my mind, must surely cost $100,000. But how is a direct to video shelling out the cash for Mungo Jerry? IT'S MUNGO JERRY! How to use The Sandlot Heading Home to be a film snob
You can use it to impress people with your extensive knowledge of Luke Perry and Chris Farley's filmographies. Key phrases to bandy about
Best Sandlot Sequel. Sweet lines to help you start The Sandlot Heading Home's cult following
I'll go Tarantino on you so fast, you won't know what hit you.
Tara what?!
Just because I'm husky, doesn't mean I have to play catcher.
Things that bothered me more than they should
The movie uses real MLB team names and uniforms, but, for some reason, the team logos do not appear on the batting helmets. Why not? That would be like making a football movie with real NFL teams and deciding not to put facemasks on the helmets.
The previously mentioned batting practice/fireworks accident happens partly because the fireworks display is being set up in the seats in center field. The fireworks are set up two goofballs who still use lighters and wicks. This is an insane concept. No team would shoot fireworks off where fans are sitting with such rudimentary technology. Unless, in the movie's world, the Dodgers financial woes have spiraled out of control, driving them to such desperate measures.
Old Benny looks like an off brand Uncle Jesse. Is it rewatchable? The Sandlot 2 was hot garbage, so in comparison, yes, Heading Home is rewatchable. However, every time you watch it, you will constantly be aware of the fact that The Sandlot exists, and you should be watching that instead. But it's...fine.
Welcome to the second edition of CineMasochism, where I examine a movie I didn't know existed until I saw it in DVD form or in the online streaming ether. For this installment I will be watching 2005's The Sandot 2, the cat-from-Pet-Sematary-after-it-comes-back of movies.
The mid-90s were a golden age of baseball movies aimed at kids. Rookie of the Year (1993), Little Big League (1994), Angels in the Outfield (1994), and--my personal favorite--The Sandlot (1993). You may have a different favorite (Little Big League. If you saying anything besides LBL or "I don't like baseball movies" then you're a fool.) but you can't deny that these four movies represent the pinnacle of the genre. Which is what makes The Sandlot 2 so disheartening.
I do not take The Sandlot 2's existence as an affront to my childhood, because I am an adult and, presumably, possess the emotional intelligence to not be angry with another person's creative endeavors. However, I am suspicious of its existence. The fact that David Mickey Evans, the original writer-director-narrator, returns to his roles offers hope. And having recently viewed and enjoyed Mad Max: Fury Road, it seems silly to foster hostile feelings towards one auteur for expanding upon his vision while accepting another for doing the same. Even though it is my idyllic youth being TRAMPLED UPON, I am determined to give it a chance. Besides, why shouldn't kids now (or in 2005) have their own baseball movie to enjoy?
Fortunately the movie quickly squanders any leeway and good will afforded to it. Which is nice, because it allows viewers (please, don't view this movie) to enter full Buzzfeed Ehrmagehrd My Childhood Was Objectively Better Than Any Other Human Childhood Because Disney's The Gummi Bears Mode and begin loudly accusing the characters on screen of being no Hamilton Porter without remorse. David Mickey Evans had his chance. And he left that chance in a hot car to die.
Sandlot 2 opens with a montage of scenes from the first Sandlot, reminding you of the movie you should probably be watching instead. Even the trailer is fifty percent scenes from the original.
It is now the 70s. You can tell SL2 is set in the 70s because every once in a while someone will say Groovy, Far Out, or Right On. Plus, one kid looks like he's wearing a Jimi Hendrix costume and the Women's Lib movement is mentioned in pejoratively. It is ten years after Benny pickled the Beast. We are told the ball he got back is know as The Great Ball. The movie is narrated by Johnnie Buckminster Smalls, younger brother of Scotty Smalls, though still voiced by writer-director Evans. Johnnie is a model rocket enthusiast who gets involved with the Sandlot kids when he accidentally sets fire to the dugout. Johnnie's rocketry hobby also leads to some unfortunate CGI.
What's most frustrating about The Sandlot 2 (other than it reminding me of my lost youth, time's ability to vanquish us all, and that weird sound my knees make) is that it has the same plot and most of the same scenes as the original. The kids have to rescue an object Smalls sends into Mr. Mertle's back yard. They go to a carnival. There is a fireworks scene. They go swimming because it is too hot to play baseball. They face off against a snooty Little League team after a round of name calling. Except none of it is done as well as in the original. This is the kid version of The Hangover Part II. There's nothing in this movie that you can't get by rewatching The Sandlot. Even if you're watching with a kid who's only reason for doing so is that it exists, my advice would be to push for simply starting the original over from the beginning.
Even a lot of the same dialogue is used. After Johnnie accidentally launches a NASA prototype he stands in the outfield dazed. Saul, SL2's mash-up of Bertram and Timmy, says that "Maybe the shock of knowing some famous science dude was too much for him." Which is a version of what is said about Scotty Smalls after hitting his first homerun. When Johnnie explains what happened with the rocket, the scene plays out exactly like the scene when Scotty explains that he hit a signed Babe Ruth ball over the fence. The kids take turns berating him, someone tells him that it's worth more than his whole life, then they give him some air by fanning him. It's all the same scenes. It's awful.
How to use this movie to be a film snob
Discuss how it's a lazy retread and uses feminism as comedy. You can also argue that while the film does use 1970s feminist stereotypes as sources of humor, it also pokes fun at male characters for being scared of assertive women. You'll appear extra smart for finding a positive aspect of this film.
Key phrases to bandy about: Retrograde Misogyny. Dreck.
Sweet lines to help you start The Sandlot 2's cult following
"Serious like Gloria Steinem."
That's it. Every other line worth a damn is from the first movie.
Is it rewatchable?
No. A small child forcing you into a repeat viewing is the only reason to experience this twice. But they'll eventually kick you out of the room once you start ranting about "Baseball movies in my day..."
Was that summary not enough for you? Do you want to read my reactions to The Sandlot 2 as I watched it?
Allow me to present:
Denny's Diary of The Sandlot 2
[Editor's note: The Sandlot 2 is available to view on YouTube if you want to grit your teeth along with me.]
David Mickey Evans sounds like Seth Macfarland. It's not a critique. Just a fact I hadn't noticed until now.
Johnnie Smalls? IT'S FUCKING SCOTTY! WHO IS JOHNNIE?!
Johnathan Buckminster Smalls?
[Editor's note: It's not Scotty, it's Johnnie. I was naturally confused because Johnnie and Scotty grow up to have the same adult voice.]
One of the kids rides in a side car bike while his brother pedals. Sidecar kid is deaf. I'm not sure if these are related. Do they need the sidecar because it's dangerous for the deaf brother to be riding or only for the coolness factor? If I was the brother pedaling I would be pissed. I know he's deaf, but he's also too big to not carry his own weight. Get a tandem!
His name is "Fingers." This is a solid attempt to recapture the magic of the Squints and Yeah Yeah nicknames. Plus, that nickname can only get better as he ages and starts getting to third base. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? DOUBLE DOUBLE ENTENDRE!)
The black kid looks like he's in a Jimi Hendrix costume. Later he wears a leather vest with fringe.
Dizzy by Tommy Roe plays while a boy bumps into a pretty girl and is speechless at her prettiness. Except he is also pretty, so I'm not buying it. She then comments on how fast he is after picking up her book from the ground. What a weird comment. Think about how fast someone would have to pick up a thing for you to be impressed. There's a large range of speed that you would just find awkward and weird. Like, calm down, dude. Don't throw out your back over a dropped book. Any impressively fast bending over and picking up would be SO fast that it would make you suspicious.
[Editor's Note: Later, the girl, WHO IS NO WENDY PFEFFERCORN, will assume the boy can run fast because of this incident. Fucking stupid.]
A knock-off of Cream's White Room plays.
Johhnie Smalls shoots a rocket through a couch in dugout. There's some voice over exposition. Apparently it's a case of mistaken identity. The fancy shmancy little league team wants to take over the sandlot for their practices. The crew sees Johnnie launching a rocket and naturally assume he's blowing up the sandlot. These kids are idiots. They chase Johnnie. He jumps a fence and lands in a pool.
The girl with a keen eye for speed saves Johnnie. She inexplicably has a southern accent despite living in California and having parents who lack southern accents. Fingers tells everyone that the dugout is on fire. The crew rush to save it in a moment of Marxian (Marxist?) slapstick involving a hose of insufficient length. During the commotion, the southern belle--named Hayley--demands that Johnnie return the next day since he owes her.
She makes him act as groundskeeper so she and two friends can play softball, which they refer to as baseball. When the boys return, Hayley continues to refer to softball, the game and the physical object, as baseball. The boys are sexist and tell her leave. (Listen, doll.) But she's liberated and stands her ground. Unfortunately, she is calling a softball a baseball which makes her sound like a dumb girl who doesn't deserve to play sports. I don't care how unfounded and unfair division of the sexes is, or how obvious the benefits of equal treatment are, the instant you stand on a soccer pitch declaring your right to play lacrosse too, you're done. The sexist boneheads have won, if only in their minds. You can't come back from mislabeling the sport.
It's an odd choice on the part of David Mickey Evans to open the movie with the sandlot crew being sexist and in the wrong. Let me get to know them first and them have them be dumb boys who default to "Girls, yuck!" As it is, they're unlikable and I don't care if they keep the sandlot. They don't deserve it.
I've already done the math. There are 5 boys terrorizing everyone, there's the nerd kid, and three girls. 9 people. Which is how many you need to field a baseball team. NEW BESTIES/TEAMATES.
Despite this obvious solution, the crew still wants to assert their alpha-male dominance over the girls even though it's totally the 70s and women are burning their bras and stuff. A chubby, ginger kid, an obvious stand in for Hamilton Porter who will be referred to as Fake Hambino, steps up to put the dames in their place. A heated discussion of the merits of women playing baseball begins.
Fake Hambino
Fake Hambino: Girls can't play baseball Hayley: Wanna bet? Fake Hambino: I don't bet trash, I burn it.
And then
Fake Hambino: You're serious? Hayley: Like Gloria Steinem.
They bet that she can strike him out in three pitches. Winner assumes dominion over the sandlot.
"Bring it on, skirt," he says while wearing a WWII helmet and choking up on the bat way too much.
She pitches underhand and he doesn't see it. Blinks and misses the pitch. Which is extra sad, because softball mounds are closer than baseball mounds because you can't throw softballs as fast. But she was pitching from the baseball mound.
The pretty boy pinch hits to save the day. He then fouls off a thousand pitches until their mom's yell for them to come home because it will be dark soon, even though it is still bright as hell outside and can't be past 4pm. God, Mom! You ruin everything!
Intrigue: Some kid who looks like Draco Malfoy's disco brother has been spying on the events from the tree house.
The girls and boys reconvene the next day to settle the score. Instead of resuming the at-bat, the two factions refuse to talk, opting to have Johnnie serve as go-between delivering messages such as "Leave, this is our Sandlot" and "No." There's a Benny Hill style sped up section, where he zips back and forth. Which would be funny if the times we heard what the kids had to say it was anything more substantial than "We were here first" and "Tough shit." Plus, they're fifty feet apart.
The kid playing Johhnie is a terrible actor. Plus he has some non-descript accent. And he likes rockets!? He's a Russian spy! Fake Hambino is the only one with any chops.Were the kids in The Sandlot this terrible? No way.
Johnnie (who I refuse to refer to as Smalls) suggests they all just play together. The boys, victims of the hetero-sexist patriarchy in which they were raised, find the idea unnatural. Until Bertram 2.0 points out that doing so will fill out the roster, giving them a full team. Something I knew instantly, because I am smarter than fictional children in desperate need to dramatic tension.
After everyone realizes the benefits of fielding nine position players in baseball. They agree to terms and celebrate over cookies and OJ in the dugout, which the girls somehow fixed in one day and made look like Martha Stewart decorated it. Fake Hambino has a metal canteen and camo vest/cap. He's probably going to have some flashbacks.
Because they have a full team, everyone goes to the nice baseball field to challenge the snooty-ass little league team, which consists entirely of Mitch Kramer clones. Fake Hambino and the leader of the other team have an insult-off. Nothing about this scene is as good as the one it's rehashing. You will need to watch the original to wash the taste out of your eyeballs. But you can't accuse David Mickey Evans of being a lazy writer. Sure, he reuses the "You play ball like a girl" line, but it's given to the other archetype. Except the sandlot crew has actual girls, so it's totally not cool. #YesAllCoedPickUpBaseballTeams.
Having successfully shouted at the other team, they go to the carnival.
Deaf kid isn't allowed to go near the kissing booth. He's a mack daddy.
The kissing booth has a height restriction, and he's too short to kiss. He gets some platform shoes. Smooth.
The girl at the booth tells him, "just on the cheek." I wonder what's going to happen.
He grabs her head and gives her a big ol' smooch.
This is all the same shit from the first movie with shittier music.
And no Wendy Pfeffercorn.
The big game against the Little League One-Percenters happens. Hayley is heading home from third to win the game. The catcher, Snooty Kid, stands in front of home with the ball and tags her out/knocks her down. And the Sandlot kids freak out even though blocking the plate is A TOTALLY NORMAL BASEBALL PLAY! Hayley is crying, which I feel validates the boys original assertion that girls should not play baseball with boys. Pretty Boy punches Snooty Kid. Everyone acts like someone just used a racial slur. The little league team storms away.
Fake Hambino gets an aluminum bat which is space-aged technology. Instantly cranks a homer.
everyone goes to get the ball back.
Johnnie freaks out. Warns them about the Great Fear, spawn of the Beast. They have to look through a hole in a wall of washing machines to see for themseves.
Fake Hambino says Johnnie is "freaking oot." THEY'RE CANADIAN! THIS MOVIE IS A SHAM!
Smalls freaking oot.
[Editor's note: This clip encapsulates the movies pretty well. Bad CGI, 70s slang, recycled material.]
Smalls has to explain the Great Fear. This obviously requires a sleepover, but to mix things up Fake Hambino says "bivouac" instead of "sleepover."
Of course there's a black and white flashback where Johnnie explains that some kid lost something over the fence and couldn't get it back because The Great Fear drooled on it. The kid loved some made up superhero, tried to get his toy back and was bitten by the dog. There's a chase scene in the flashback with rip-off Wipeout music. So,
I just realized that Johnnie looks like Tig Notaro with a bowl cut.
Fourth of July is coming up and since Johnnie loves rockets he buys a bunch of fireworks. The narrator tells us that kids these days are coddled because they aren't allowed to buy dangerous fireworks. I don't come to subpar sequels for the hot parenting takes, David Mickey Evans!
Oh, now it's too hot. The girls want to go swimming.
Fuck this movie. It's like they asked people what their favorite parts of the original were and then recreated the environment those parts occurred in. Oh they liked Hambino saying "I'm baking like a toasted cheeser" let's have another scene where it's hot. And they loved Squints kissing Wendy Pfeffercorn at the pool. We need a scene with a pool.
I find this movie aimed at children to be insulting to my intelligence.
Pretty Boy (whose name is David) is ashamed of something under his 70s tubesock and won't go swimming. He's a never nude.
Far out. Right on. Groovy. It must be the 70s.
Hey, they got the rights to Spirit in the Sky.
Hayley's dad works for NASA and has a badass rocket. He offers to launch it with Johnnie, but then flakes just because he has urgent NASA business. But he doesn't tell Johnnie, so our man J. Smalls sets it up to wait for Mr. Hayley.
Johnnie straps an astronaut action figure to the rocket. That's his thing. Except it's a dumb thing for a nerd to do. PAYLOAD WEIGHT BALANCE SMALLS!
He falls asleep with the launch button on his lap. It falls and the rocket launches. OH NO!
Crazy special effects.
Ruins the dugout again.
Oh Shit, that rocket was important real NASA shit.
Smalls is standing in the crater made by the launch. Staring off into space (GET IT) and Bertram 2.0 says Maybe the shock of knowing some famous science dude was too much for him.
It's the same damn line from the first one.
The shuttle from the rocket lands in the Big Fear's/Mr. Mertle's back yard.
God dammit.
"You mean to tell me that you launched a scale model of the NASA Space Shuttle."
"It's worth more than your whole life, Smalls."
He faints. "Give him some air."
Whole chunks of dialogue, just recycled from the first movie. Am I allowed to be angry this movie now without seeming like a person with unresolved emotional issues?
Johnnie explains that, like his brother, he has a bit of an engineering streak. The crew decides to sacrifice a cat to The Big Fear using, not an erector set, but some jankity mish-mash of toys.
Disco Draco shows up to get the shuttle back. He says they call him the Retriever. He lost his frisbee over a fence to a dog once, and now collects dogs' name tags as vengeance. He doesn't say he kills the dogs, but you know he does. One look at his necklace dangling with hundreds of tags tells you all you need to know.
The Big Fear tosses the Retriever over the fence and into the pool. The Retriever retires instantly. I guess this supposed to tell us how formidable The Big Fear is, because a kid we're meeting for the first time told us how great he is at murdering dogs and taking their tags as trophies, and that kid couldn't handle the dog.
The kids tunnel under the fence.
I swear to God if James Earl Jones says "Why didn't you just come and ask me. I'd have gotten it for you." I will be pissed. [Editor's note: Spoiler alert, he does.]
Fake Hambino, the one who volunteered to go into the tunnel, poops his pants after being chased by The Big Fear. We get to see the stain.
Why the hell is a NASA employee keeping a working model of the space shuttle in his garage? I don't know why that question is only now coming into my head.
Pretty Boy declares that he needs to step up and be a hero, so he will climb into Mr. Mertle's backyard, grab the shuttle and bring it back. Of course he has some special shoes to help him run faster. In a blink-you'll-miss-it moment of product placement, the narrator drops a line about Nike the winged Greek goddess of victory. (NIKE SHOES? FUCK YOU! PF FLYERS OR GTFO!) Pretty Boy pulls out what are clearly basketball shoes. They are bulky and puffy. They are not meant for speed on dirt or grass. I hope he gets eaten in that yard and The Big Fear chokes on his femur, so they rot together under the hot July sun. Hayley, who does not share my wishes, knows Pretty Boy is fast because she saw him pick up her homework real quick, and tells him to Just Do It.
Pretty Boy is the kid from the story who liked the Rocket Comic book. Or something. He acts like a matador to avoid The Big Fear, minus the stabbing with frilly spears--Do you hear me, Spain? The spears you use to slowly murder an animal are gaudy!
The dog jumps the fence, thus beginning the rehash of The Sandlot's chase scene. This time scored with BTO's Taking Care of Business. They reuse the shot of the dog jumping over the camera, which means that every Sandlot movie has shot of a dog's dick in it. Way to keep the streak alive.
Pretty Boy curses. You can tell a movie cool when it thinks you're mature enough to curse in front of you.
Like version of this scene I enjoy, everyone ends up back at the sandlot. The giant wall of washing machines falls on Pretty Boy. He falls into the tunnel. The Big Fear digs him out.
Another recycled line. This time it's, "He doesn't look too good." That's not even a very distinctive line, but I know David Mickey Evans half-assed his way through this screenplay and I'm looking out for it. There were too many other repeats and I know The Sandlot so well that I can't let anything slide now. I'm like a conspiracy theorist who's too much in his own head, to the point where innocuous things seem to hint at something nefarious. "Strike three". Hey! That's in the first movie.
James Earl Jones recaps the first movie for them. This is the second time the first movie has been summarized. Mr. Mertle says the crew should have just asked to be let into the backyard. Then he strikes a deal to take down the wall--Mr. Mertle, tear down this wall!--if they agree to walk The Big Fear (who's real name is Goliath. Which is great, because Pretty Boy's name is David. Get it?).
The Big Fear has sex with a lady dog. Puppies are born. Everyone gets a puppy, which they will chain up in a yard surrounded by a makeshift fence cobbled together with scrap metal, until neighbor kids develop a mythology around the rabid animal kept in solitary confinement.
Everyone is summarized. Fingers and his brother started Def Jam Records. BOLD MOVE! Because I know that to be false. Unless his brother is Rick Rubin. Fingers also started Kissing Booth Bubble Gum. That's got to be something you keep from the artists you're trying to sign to Def Jam. [Editor's note: I did consider the fact that they went with the spelling of Deaf Jam and they aren't really implying one of these kids became Rubin, but are in fact violators of trademark/copyright law. In one scenario the script writer thinks he or you are an idiot. In the other scenario the characters are idiots.]
The credits are rolling.
The producers would like to thank Nike. No shit, I'm sure that Just Do It line paid for the rocket launch scene.
I'm excited to find out if I can watch The Sandlot ever again without shaking my head and muttering "goddammit."
Welcome to the inaugural installment of/first attempt at CineMasochism. A series where I watch and then discuss a movie that I have never heard of. I will select movies by analyzing the DVD cover, the plot synopsis, and the cast. If there is a Tom Hanks movie I don't know about (and there is), then it is getting picked. Obviously this will result in me finding some gems and some stinkers, but I'm also expecting to see some movies whose absence in my consciousness seems inexplicable.
Which is the case with the first movie I chose, Redbelt. It was written and directed by David Mamet, stars Chiwetel Ejiofor, and features Tim Allen, Emily Mortimer, Joe Mantegna, and Randy Couture. Ed O'Neill and Jake Johnson make cameos. It even has two That Guys, Ricky Jay and David Paymer. How have I not at least heard of this movie?
There are two parts to the answer. First, Redbelt was released on six screens May 2nd, 2008, the same week Iron Man came out. The following week Redbelt expanded to almost 1,400 screens and Speed Racer opened. Speed Racer looked real good on the big screen.
The second part to the answer has to do with the movie itself. Mamet described Redbelt as a Fight Movie, except there isn't much fighting. It's a shame, because this could be a solid Sunday afternoon TBS movie. It has all the right elements. Ejiofor plays Mike Terry, the owner of a struggling jiu-jitsu studio who, because of a cabal of show business types, must enter a martial arts tournament to earn money to pay off debts and defend his dead friend's honor. It has famous athletes (Cotoure) acting.
One scene in particular best illustrates Redbelt's potential as perfect double feature partner to Timecop. In it Ejiofor questions a bartender in the middle of a shift for information on why his cop buddy, who had been working as a bouncer at the bar, hadn't been paid. During the exchange a magician interrupts the two, attempting to con the bartender into rolling a dice for a free drink. Ejiofor asks a question, the magician says something wacky, the bartender answers the magician, Ejiofor repeats his question, and the bartender answers. It's two conversations between three people happening simultaneously, the kind of thing that happens all the time in movies but never in real life.
What keeps Redbelt from achieving it's full potential is the lack of action. Mamet had been studying and practicing jiu-jitsu for years before making the movie. As a result the fighting is realistic instead of flashy (except for when Ejiofor runs up a wall to escape a choke-hold). This isn't inherently bad, but when the fighting in a fight movie is infrequent, tactical grappling it's not the most inherentlyengaging cinematic experience.
How to use this movie to be a film snob
There are multiple tacks to take when using Redbelt to flex your toned cinephile muscles. You can explain that it adds a seriousness and maturity to the Fight Movie genre. When they point out the lack of action is extremely boring, you counter that the realism of the combat technique leaves viewers free to appreciate the selflessness and philosophical ideals of Ejiofor's character. They may argue that the plot is needlessly complicated and requires multiple viewings to follow. Counter by saying something about it being an homage to B-level predecessors, then change the subject to seeing the greatness Ejiofor would later display in 12 Years a Slave, even in a historically "low art" genre. You may also condescend to them that, which it was intricate, you had no problems following the plot. Be sure to study IMDB's synopsis, because it is pretty goddamn ridiculous. If explaining Redbelt to someone who hasn't seen it, do not attempt to give them a plot summary as it cannot be done in less than five minutes. Every plot point builds on the one preceding it in an absurd way. You can't explain why Ejiofor has to enter the tournament instead of pursuing his intellectual property lawsuit without talking about Mortimer accidentally shooting out the jiu-jitsu studio's window in the opening scene. Instead say that Redbelt is about a man struggling to uphold his moral code against outside forces. It will seem as though you are mysterious and understand film on a deeper, philosophical level than normal humans. Key phrases to bandy about: CinemaScope. Thinking man's Road House. Peaceful warrior. Mametian.
Sweet lines to help you start Redbelt's cult following
"Let the wheel come around."
"Administer the fight. Insist."
"The battle is the issue. Who imposes the terms of the battle will impose the terms of the peace."
"Boxing is as dead as Woodrow Wilson."
Is it rewatchable?
Yes. Chiwetel Ejiofor is undeniably cool as Mike Terry and CinemaScope is pretty.
